Apr 22, 2017

It happens more during the in between phases. And especially when I don’t have a business to run or some other real and productive thing to keep me busy. I start feeling stuck in the house. 

I want to go out, but don’t want to needlessly spend money on treats or things that we don’t need just for an excuse to get out of the house. You can just only go to the park and the library so many time before it start to feel like the same eggs you’ve been eating for breakfast every day.

And even when I’m home, I find myself feeling stuck. Like I can’t do things I want to do because I need to keep an eye on the kids. And all too often even when Felix is taking a nap, I don’t get started on things because, half the time when I do, he wakes up early and I get interrupted before I can even really start. So a lot of the time I just don’t even start at all and of course it’s on those days that he takes four hour naps.

As a result, I can’t help feeling that I’ve done very little lately. And even if I have, all the sitting around just acts like a fog and makes me forget.

And of course now that I sat down to write this morning, the kids (who were previously engaged in their own things) came to stare at me and ask me for things. Never doubt the ability of a child to sniff out even the smallest hint of productivity or personal fulfillment happening. Bah.

Still, I mean of course I love my kids. And I choose to stay home with them and put them first. It’s important to me. But I also have just never felt that putting kids first and being a stay at home mom means that my kids are my ONLY purpose or priority. I’m a firm believer in seeking out other good things to do that make me feel alive. And I’m also a firm believer in letting the kids play on their own (preferably together because, ya know, safety) while I mostly ignore them from the other room and do things that are personally fulfilling. Maybe it sounds funny to say aloud, but I think sometimes kids need to be ignored so they can explore and find their own space and independence just as much as they need love and attention and cuddles. We all need both–both love and independence, support to build us up and ample room to grow.

I think all this waiting (with a matter of weeks left) to move into our new house and for baby #3 to come has made me feel all this lag time, all this sitting around, more acutely than usual. Try as I might to enjoy the here and now, I admit I can’t wait to get away from my jerky landlord for good and to finally be into our own place and to have the baby be on the outside of me and be done with gestational diabetes and doctors I’m not wild about and all that stuff. It’s hard not to dwell on it.

Anyway, speaking of the library, we need to take some books back today and then I’m itching to stop by a thrift store my friend was telling me about. So I guess I’d better go get dressed while they kids are still in the “actually playing together” phase and before they move on into the “just running around crazy and eventually hurting themselves and/or each other” phase.

Happy Saturday.