Apr 14, 2017

I feel torn over what to write about. Today had a variety of things I was happy and grateful for and frustrating things that left me exhausted. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about writing in a 10 year journal, it’s that recording all that bad stuff can mean revisiting it over and over instead of just naturally forgetting about it and moving on. With some things I really do think that’s the best approach. But then other times I feel like by completely ignoring or not recording the bad or frustrating or disappointing things that happen we shortchanged ourselves and our story. And especially with social media and public blogs I think there has to be a balance between healthy optimism with genuine joy and taking time to acknowledge the not-perfect things in a way that doesn’t leave others feeling like they’re somehow failing if they’re not always chipper. 

I’m conscious of all this as I write for a public audience. In fact, I think about it a lot. So I guess I give that disclaimer here to say, I’m a real person. Life comes at me the same speed as everyone else and some days I can keep up and some days it wears me down. But I think there’s beauty and value in both and in sharing both. 

Today’s routine prenatal doctor visit was yet another disappointment in what’s sadly becoming a bit of a pattern. 

Bryan’s never been able to go with me to an appointment, so I was especially grateful to his mom for watching the kids so Bryan could go with me today. Mostly I was just looking forward to his company, but afterward I was grateful to have another person in the room to witness how rushed the doctor was, how little she considered me as a person and more as a row of blood sugar numbers, and just in general how poorly she handled some basic things. It was valuable and validating for me as a human being who’s been to an unfortunate number of disappointing and contradictory doctor visits lately to get to make the drive home with someone who knew I wasn’t making up or exaggerating how ridiculous some of these experiences have been.

Nothing terrible or life-altering happened, but it’s just the little things that pile up.  I left my appointment today ready to at least look to see if I can find a different office who handles things better and treats their patients better. Like, I feel like I could stay and be fine, but I also know I’ve had better doctors and better care and even just better administrative staff in the past, all of which really made a big difference in my own personal experience. 

Sigh. 

On the other hand I’m just so tired of even thinking about all this stuff. There are so many better, more interesting things to do with my time and mental energy. 

Anyway, it’s late and I’m really tired. Hoping things get better. And also trying to mentally walk myself through doing the things I need to do (at this office or any other) to speak up more while I’m in the room and ask for better care. Today was yet another learning experience.