Present proportions

Oct 20, 2017

There are too many things and I can’t do/be/have them all right now. There’s not enough time in the day or money in the budget or space in my head to just shuffle things around and make room for more. If I introduce something else, something new, something that doesn’t fit in my present proportions, then something else pops out. So I’m constantly asking myself daily, all day long that same question. 

Dinner tonight 

Oct 19, 2017

  • Roasted carrots and cauliflower 
  • Mashed potatoes from scratch topped with sour cream, cheese, and freshly chopped green onion
  • Whole fresh strawberries
  • Sourdough bread toasted with melty asiago cheese
  • Kale poppyseed salad

I didn’t really plan it, it just all sort of happened and came together and it was so delicious and amazing. I’ve really gotta cook real food more often. 

Threat level notebook

Oct 17, 2017

You guys. For the first time in years (YEARS) I’m without a fresh notebook. Today I used up my last page in my last notebook and I thought I had one more in my stash, but I don’t. YOU GUYS. 

This is like… I don’t even know what it’s like. Every single day for years now I’ve gone to bed making a to-do list in my notebook for the following day. And then throughout the day I check off the things on my list and write other notes. I’m lost without it. It’s like if you’ve been tracking your steps with a Fitbit every single day for YEARS and then suddenly it breaks and, yeah, of course your body is still counting all your steps in the calories it burns and the muscles that get toned, but there’s no record of it! You suddenly don’t get any credit! Aghh! 

I was about to order them on Amazon and pay for same-day shipping for the first time in my life, but they only offer 2 day shipping on it anyway. Boo. And the only place I’ve ever found to buy them in person is at a store called Paper Source, but the closest one I knew of it out in Georgetown and that’s just too far for tomorrow, plus I already have plans in the morning. But! Then I looked up Paper Source on google maps just to see if maybe there’s one closer and guess what?! There’s one right where my plans for tomorrow are! Hooraaaay!!!

Now let’s all just pray they actually have my notebooks in stock. 

I wonder if anybody does

Oct 16, 2017

Sometimes being a mom and having a new baby and still feeling new and like an outsider just leaves me feeling raw. 

Stuff about the elementary school bugs me, but I hesitate to speak up because I feel like I’m still trying to get my bearings and even understand the system. And, anyway, the couple of times I’ve tried to speak up since we moved to this area it hasn’t done a bit of good and I think just made the office staff secretly not like me. 

I try not to admit it to myself because it never makes me feel better, but I’m definitely still experiencing daily culture shock here. I’m not sure I’ll ever quite get used to it. 

And today I made the valiant mistake of trying really hard and wholeheartedly at something I have a pretty strong track record for failing at and, yep, didn’t finish strong, as usual. 

I’m so incredibly, unfathomably grateful for my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband or kids. We live in a wonderful cozy home in a safe neighborhood. We have plenty of food to eat and enough for our needs. And still so often it feels like I’m just tumbling into the finish line at the end of the day. I wonder if I’ll ever really feel like I belong and like I’ve got a handle on things. I wonder if anybody does. 

Cookie Sunday

Oct 15, 2017

Today was one of those slow, quiet Sundays I’ll find myself daydreaming about when things get crazy or the weather gets cold. I slept in a little and we all got ready for church. I wore my new skirt I sewed yesterday and it was so comfortable and good. The weather was crisp, but not cold, so we walked to church. There’s always something so freeing and magical about just walking right in and not having buckle and unbuckle car seats and park and pile out of the car. Church was good. We walked home after and somehow after lunch I even managed a nap, which was wonderful. We had dinner and then I sat and read several chapters of Harry Potter aloud while the kids took turns playing with a striped red top and Bryan made fresh chocolate chip cookies. We put the kids to bed and now things are quiet and calm. How does that scripture go? About man not being made for the Sabbath, but Sabbath being made for man? 

Fitness is hard

Oct 14, 2017

You guys, I think about weight loss/exercise/healthy eating stuff a lot. Like, daily. But I don’t write about it because I don’t have any great answers or new insights and I wish I were making more progress, but the reality is I’m not really at the moment. And sometimes I think about committing myself to some new self-imposed program to get back on track, but the honest truth is that I’ve done that so many times and the thought of doing it again is just exhausting. Especially since the phase of life I’m in right now isn’t super conducive to specific plans. 

Like, even if I wake up at 6am, I’m still likely to end up nursing the baby instead of exercising. And as much as I’d love to plan a bunch of healthy meals, the reality is they just take more prep time, often right at dinner time before the dish is made, which I just can’t count on getting when there are three little people who need me for a variety of things at all times. But also, those seem like lame excuses? Probably because they are? 

My (fairly realistic) dream is to just sign up for a weights class a few times a week and go walking the other days and get all my exercise in without having to think about it or re-commit to it each day, but I also don’t want to spend money on a class or gym membership right now. 

And I want to compliment the healthy exercise with lots of veggies and healthy delicious foods. I really don’t want to be on a diet or count calories again. Gestational diabetes earlier this year was awful and gave me a whole new appreciation for being able to eat a wide variety of things. But I don’t want to eat so much that I get wide either. I want to live in a way that’s healthy and sustainable long-term, but it’s hard to strike a balance between so many things. And it’s hard to break free of the sugar/chocolate addiction, especially when I’m using it to compensate for, ya know, having little kids around all day needing me all the time. 

I know from experience that I do better with a specific plan, but I also know that it’s really hard to stick to a plan when it doesn’t seem to be giving results. Or when it gives results too fast and leaves me feeling sore. Ha! 

Anyway, I told you I had nothing new to add. I just want to be better and look better and feel better and it’s hard and time-consuming and I’d rather be sewing or knitting or doing something more fun and not sweaty, but I also wish I were sewing and knitting for a body with a more defined waist so… there you go. 

Old habit

Oct 12, 2017

I don’t know how it even happened because I’m ten months in and, as far as I know, I haven’t even missed a day. But somehow I got out of the habit of blogging. I keep forgetting until right before I go to sleep.

At the beginning of the year I thought I’d write posts with all this worthy substance, but as a tired, distracted mom who was pregnant for the first half of the year and who’s had a new baby for the rest of it, I realized real soon I didn’t have the brain power to write something worthwhile every single day. Can anybody? Write something truly worthwhile every day? I mean, I hope somebody can, but I don’t think it’s me. I believe I could write okay or even good things every day, but I think real worthwhile writing is really only born out of re-reading and revisions and, most importantly, a real purpose or passion or at the very least a good moment of inspiration. And I don’t think the goal to write every day alone will get me there. 

That being said, I loved writing houses and never forgot a day when I was writing those. I looked forward to it and loved it and stopped thinking about blogging as a chore for the first time in months. But then I just sort of fell out of it. Nobody seemed to really notice or care or even like them much (ok, besides you, mom), but all the same I’d like to fall back into them. I’d like to walk beautiful and regular and charming and typical 70’s neighborhoods and take photos and write down their made-up stories. Stitch their imagined facades. Create a gallery of homes. Wouldn’t that be nice? I’m not sure it would serve any purpose, but I think I’d like to walk through it and read every plaque. 

Perhaps someday. 

Who even am I?

Oct 11, 2017

Today I made artisan bread from scratch (for the second day in a row) and then on a whim made crazy good french toast out of half the loaf. This from the girl who has baked bread a total of two times this year and keeps french toast sticks in the freezer. Go figure.