Apr 9, 2017

Today has been hard. I promised myself ahead of time that if this news came I wouldn’t freak out about it, but then this morning it came and, despite my efforts to remain calm, I broke all those promises. I made it through sacrament meeting at church and then had Bryan drive me home. I just needed to be alone and to eat some food and to sleep. I’m all for staying at church, but after the downward spiral I went through last weekend, I knew I needed to focus on calming down and being alone at home was what I needed most.

It occurred to me at some point in the midst of all this stress today that this baby has perhaps cost me more personally than my older children have, at least in pregnancy. I remember being significantly uncomfortable with them, I remember hating being pregnant, I remember dreading the sleepless nights ahead, post-c-section, but I don’t remember being quite as miserable as I have been these past many months. I don’t say it for pity, it’s just true. I’ve met personal limits I hadn’t met before. It’s physically exhausting and mentally and emotionally draining and overwhelming. I’ve spent more time on the couch for more reasons than I ever cared to. And it’s not over yet.

I’ve been trying really hard today to focus on balancing the overwhelming onslaught that just shows up and has to be answered to with whatever positive outlook I can muster. Not denying that I’m legitimately struggling and have personal boundaries I need to respect in order to not go down that spiral I found myself in last weekend while still remaining hopeful and optimistic that good can come from bad, that pregnancy is not forever, that Heavenly Father hasn’t stopped loving me or pouring out his blessings on me just because things are hard.

Really praying that these next couple of months slip by quickly and become a blurred memory that’s easier to look back on than it is to live in the moment.